* If Animal Planet had a local nightly newscast….
“The waning full moon has brought about a spate of deadly hit and runs in our area. For more we go to our local crime reporter Barkley Dog. Barkley?”
“Yes, Joe Cat, the scene around the city this morning is grim. At least three known hit and run fatalities on the South Side overnight.”
“The first, a male cat, approximately three years old was found dead on Craven Road early this morning, the victim of an apparent hit and run. The lone witness, Rob Raccoon was unable to talk on camera, but told this reporter that he was digging through a dumpster when he saw headlights swerve and a loud thump. He ran over to the victim, but the cat was killed instantly. He was unable to provide police with a clear description of the vehicle.
The second fatality was spotted on San José Blvd. A dog escaped from his fenced yard, and wandered into the busy street, ignoring the cross walk signals and was struck and killed. Witnesses say a late-model Ford Focus hit the dog and sped off. We are not naming the dog until his owners have been notified.
Finally, a homeless squirrel with mental health issues was struck and killed by a bicyclist late this morning. The squirrel was running erratically near the street when he panicked and began racing back to the curb. He was struck in the bike lane as a cyclist was taking his morning ride. No charges will be filed and the bicyclist sustained a skinned knee as he lost control of his bike after hitting the squirrel.
Joe Cat, back to you.
Thanks Barkley. Let’s be safe out there!